Hey, look who’s back!  Wow I can almost see all 3-4 of you right now.  I’m sure the last 5 months have been the worst of your life considering this blog took a bit of a hiatus after we received word of blowing too many faces off.  Sorry about that.  But we are back and as mediocre as ever! Each week your ever loving FullerTron (3rd person FTW) will take you on a guided tour of what to expect in the excitement that is the NFL.  What’s that you say?  Why would you take anyone’s sports opinion who predicted 60 steals for Julio Borbon, said neither Colby Lewis nor CJ Wilson should be in the starting rotation coming out of spring training, and claimed that the Seattle Mariners would be the team to beat in the AL West?  Fuck you, that’s why.  Let’s get this started.

Ah, football season.  On Thursday Night the baseball season will come to an unceremonious and abrupt halt in the eyes of the media.  Yes the media’s darling is back and it could not be here soon enough.  Looking through the match-ups this week it looks like the schedulers really know how to kick things off with a bang.  I’ll start with what I think will be the best game and work my way through.

Minnesota at New Orleans

If you thought last year’s NFC Championship was good just wait!  It’s just like that, except that there isn’t really anything on the line!  Drew Brees looks to become the biggest hero in Nawlins since Andrew Jackson by bringing another ring to Louisiana because, apparently, being able to complete 70% of your passes fixes over $100 billion worth of damage to a city 5 years after the damage occurs.  DON’T WORRY NEW ORLEANS EVERYTHING IS OKAY! REGGIE BUSH BROKE A 23 YARD RUN BEFORE STEPPING OUT OF BOUNDS TO AVOID GETTING HIT IN THE PUSSY SO YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR STAGNANT WATER FILLED HOMES!

The Ol’ Dongslinger is back for another year after waffling again and again.  I have heard from a lot of people that they want him to drop back and have every ligament in his ankle burst on the first snap.  Not me.  That’s letting him off too easy.  I want him to play every game in agony.  I want him to throw 60 interceptions.  I want his eyes gouged when he is at the bottom of the pile on an Adrian Peterson fumble for the 4th time of the game.  I want this cockbag to have the worst season in the history of football.  I want this season to be so bad that people may actually think Tavaris Jackson could do better.  Yeah that’s bad.

Over/Under: 100 mentions of Katrina.

Winner: Saints


Indianapolis at Houston

Wanna see a good ol’ fashioned shootout? The best QB I have ever seen against the best wideout in the game today.  Enemy of fantasy Gary Kubiak is sure to start draft board rocket Arian Foster until he misses a block and decides that broken legged Ben Tate will contribute more to the run game.  This teaches everyone to never bet on Arian’s again.  Also this:

Over/Under: 3.5 Mentions of How Renowned Choke Artist Peyton Manning Did Not Choke in the Super Bowl

Winner: Texans


Baltimore at New York Jets

Jesus Christ is Rex Ryan the best coach ever? Just watch these:

If you tell me you don’t want this guy as the coach of your team you are a goddamn liar.  He is everything that is perfect about head coaching personified.  So when Tony Dungy claimed after the first episode of Hard Knocks that he was no fan of Ryan’s salty language I was furious.  Here is what I have to say to you Tony Dungy.  FUCK YOU IN YOUR BIG EARED FACE.  JUST BECAUSE YOU STAND ON THE SIDELINE LIKE A GODDAMN STATUE DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU CAN TAKE ALL OF THE FUN OUT OF A GAME. YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU WON A SUPER BOWL RIDING ON THE BACK OF A FIVE HEADED, FOOTBALL THROWING MACHINE  YOU CAN RUIN EVERYTHING THAT IS PURE AND GOOD?  GRUDEN TOOK YOUR TEAM AND WON A SUPER BOWL AND WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH GRUDEN BLOOOOWWWSS.  Also your son committed suicide.  That is all.

Over/Under: 0 Inches Between Joe Flacco’s Eyebrows

Winner: The Fuckin’ Jets


Cincinnati at New England

The VH1 Flava Flav wannabes head to New England to take on the Beiber haircuts.  A lot of people are asking if there is enough ball to go around with T.O. and Ocho both calling for the ball, but then people remember Carson Palmer is quarterback and Chris Henry will catch approximately the same number of balls as Batman and Robin.  Speaking of the dead Fred Taylor is expected to get the bulk of the carries for New England.

Over/Under: $500,000 in fines for T.Ocho

Winner: Patriots

Time to start speeding through.

Carolina at New York Giants

Matt Moore looks to prove he is not just another name.  There are 37 Matt Moore’s in the Charlotte area.

Over/Under: 30,000 Gallons of Air Sucked In by Mouth-Breathing Eli Manning

Winner: Carolina


Green Bay at Philadelphia

Philly has a white quarterback. Philly fans become the nicest fans in the world.

Over/Under: 120 degrees The Angle Between Mike McCarthy’s Eyes

Winner: Packers


Dallas at Washington

With Washington’s horrendous offensive line expect less of this:

And more of this:

And this:

Over/Under: 3.5 Times You Think The Redskins Came In a Time Machine from 2005

Winner: Cowboys


Atlanta at Pittsburgh

Somewhere a gray penis lurks.

Over/Under: 6.5 Times Polamalu Has Blown A Guy Because He “Asked With His Eyes”

Winner: Falcons


Oakland at Tennessee

Oakland is a trendy sleeper pick this year.  It all ends when people are released from Al Davis’s spell and remember that they are the Raiders.

Over/Under: 1,000 Times Vince Young Drops Back Doesn’t See Anyone Open and Scrambles

Winner: Titans


Arizona at St. Louis

Over/Under: 5.5 Times You Say “Who?” When A Rams Receiver Makes a Catch

Winner: Arizona


Denver at Jacksonville

Over/Under: 3 Beard Hairs Above The Neck For Kyle Orton

Winner: Jacksonville


Detroit at Chicago

The best matchup of Dumb Faced QBs not involving the Manning Brothers.

Over/Under: 18.5 Times Mike Martz Does Something Totally Retarded

Winner: Chicago


San Fransisco at Seattle

Over/Under: 90% of the Seattle Roster Being USC Alumni

Winner: 49ers


San Diego at Kansas City

Prediction: Ryan Mathews goes down with a knee injury making Darren Sproles the first person ever to get 20 carries in an NFL game and star in “Little People Big World.”

Over/Under: 2 Times Shawne Merriman Waxes Poetically About When He Was Good

Winner: Chargers


Miami at Buffalo

Over/Under: 0 People Think Trent Edwards and JP Losman Are Different People

Winner: Miami


Cleveland at Tampa Bay

Like football? Not anymore you don’t.

Over/Under: $10,000 It Would Cost To Make You Watch This Game

Winner: Who Cares… Tampa… I guess


Fantasy Studs and Duds

Studs:

  1. Jay Cutler, QB Bears- He is going to throw the ball 40+ times against a terrible secondary.  Martz will let him continue to throw no matter how big of a lead they get.
  2. Beanie Wells, RB Cardinals- People score on the Rams.  Derek Anderson is a bad quarterback.  Wells should get a good number of touches.
  3. Colts and Texans- Two great offenses against two bad secondaries.  This will be a barn burner.

Duds:

  1. Reggie Bush, RB Saints- Don’t get sucked into the hype.  He may have run hard this preseason, but the Saints are going to throw and Pierre Thomas is still their guy on the ground.
  2. CJ Spiller, RB Bills- Miami will load up the box and force Trent Edwards to beat them.  Spoiler Alert: Trent Edwards won’t be able to beat them.
  3. Brett Favre, QB Minnesota- When your best receiver is Bernard Berrian you have to worry.  Add a ballhawking defense and Captain Wranglers could be in for some trouble.

Survivor/Eliminator/Team Sure to Win: Miami In a week of many equal matchups I’ll take a decent team over a horrendous one rather than waste San Diego early with their cupcake schedule. See also: Studs and Duds- CJ Spiller. 

Team Sure to Lose: Kansas City This team has the potential to be good if they let Jamaal Charles play.  Unfortunately the Chargers are just that much better.

Well it was a lot of fun getting back into the game.  I’ll be back next week for another football preview.  Feel free to email any fantasy/football questions/anything else to uppityfloor@gmail.com and I’ll be sure to answer.  Sit back and enjoy, football is back.