.

I am black and white and very fluffy,

Sitting in a tree nibbling on bamboo.

Eating bamboo is not just a toughie,

I love to eat just like Winnie the Pooh.

The bamboo tree is the best of the trees,

Sitting on a branch just munching on leaves.

I would choose bamboo over vegetables like peas,

Sitting in my nest which is made of weaves.

Being a panda can be very chill.

My diet consists of bamboo and bugs.

I live in the forest with a lot of hills.

Many people see me and give me hugs.

But my biggest fear is hunting by men;

hey search the forest looking for our den.

-Nathan Field

#3 on Rolling Stone's 100 best albums of the century

Most people like music better than noise and certainly more than a commotion. And don’t get me started on cacophonies. But we can agree that music is the sound most people find mostly pleasing most of the time. Now, some music is better than others, and some is not. But I happen to like the music that is better. And here, today, for you and your families, I have compiled a list of my 6 favorite albums, in no specific order. So open those cochleas and prep those eustachian tubes for some mostly good music!

Franz Ferdinand by Franz Ferdinand, 2004

First we’ll start with my favorite band, Franz Ferdinand. Franz is a Scottish band from Glasgow that pioneered mainstream indie music in the mid-early 2000′s, and I’m glad for this because thinking the best music is the most obscure is totally gey. But the catchy melodies and trip-hop beats took Britain by storm in 2004, taking three top ten single spots with “Dark of the Matinee” “This Fire” and the song most people probably know, “Take Me Out”. These songs flooded the stale early 2000′s British music scene and re-energized what was a pallid and tired music mechanism that was in need of repair. The album encompasses all musical emotions from upbeat day-starters to sad, but still fast, ballads to catchy earworms perfect for the dance club. The no-care, let’s-not-take-this-too-seriously attitude the band takes in this album, and for the most part in their subsequent ones, makes the songs much more enjoyable knowing they were written for the music and the fun, and not for pushing an agenda or whiney complaint.

Perfect For:

Daytime listening, and while driving

Best Tracks

• Darts of Pleasure
• Dark of the Matinee
• 40′

Midnite Vultures by Beck, 1997

I’m guessing that most of you people have never heard of Beck, or if you have, don’t know any of his songs. And if that’s the case, that’s sad. It probably due to the fact that he hasn’t released anything in a few years, and is now writing music for movies (he recently did the entire soundtrack to Scott Pilgrim vs. the World). He was most prominent in the 1990′s and had several hit albums and Grammy noms and wins. But go listen to Beck! Go now! He must be heard once again! And none other album will rock your ear cavities more than Midnite Vultures. Now, I’ll admit, I was skeptical of this album when it first borrowed it from the library, but after a few months it quickly became one of my favorites. Beck has one of the craziest musical styles I’ve ever heard. He plays virtually all of the instruments on his songs, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but when you check the album jacket you see that it is upwards of usually 30 things. Beck plays also on household objects like tools from a garage or a sword, making a very soothing mix of all musical styles. In Midnite Vultures the blend of crisp melodies with hard/moderate rock make for some killer audio paintings. The album splays a musical blend of rock, ambiance, a bit of country, disco, and well, just, Beck. It’s very hard to describe, just go listen to Beck!

Perfect For:

Parties, background work music, sexy time with your lover

Best Tracks

• Milk & Honey
• Sexx Laws
• Broken Train

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles, 1967

Yes, I know, this sounds cliched, but this is a damn good album. Hell, Rolling Stone named it the number one album of all time. The Beatles were a leading force in the 60′s rock scene and soon became one of the world’s most popular bands, and in the mid 60′s they moved from standard surf pop rock to experimental artsy music. But this album takes the cake as their best experimental one. Now, I’m sure you can tell I like blended albums, with all sorts of musical styles, and Sgt. Pepper may be the best mix of different music I’ve ever heard. The album starts out with the Beatles as a fictional band in fluorescent colorful marching regalia, who are under the command of a man named St. Pepper, who is their band leader. But after the second song, the fictional band concept was quickly abandoned and the four members contributed all sorts of styles to the album. It flows from light rock, to baroque harp, to carnival music, to Indian sitar, to rock harpsichord, to more rock, to a soft guitar and piano ballad accompanied by periodic orchestral clashes. You can very easily see all four members’ influences and hear all their voices, which makes for one stellar album.

Perfect For:

Creativity, mid-wandering, brisk spring days

Best Tracks

• Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite!
• Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
• A Day in the Life

Hello Nasty by Beastie Boys, 1999

Now, anyone who doesn’t like the Beastie Boys should be shot and then shot once more. The Beastie Boys are probably the most fun music you’ll ever hear, and none of their albums are as fun Hello Nasty. The Beastie Boys perform what is considered rap, but is so much more. They take the writing process very un-seriously and loosely and makes for some very catchy smart lyrics. They strange rapping style is also addictive, as one of the memebers will rap a line and the other two will yell the last word of each of his lines with him, and then it switches to another of the members. It’s so much better than most other rap which feels “street” and “thuggish,” and that feel is found nowhere throughout the whole album. Their first few albums were very good 80′s rap and rap/rock but with the addition of Mix Master Mike in the late 90′s, their music was transcended to a whole new level of party, fun, and just good music. The album mixes a blend of fast quick beats and raps with a few slow bossa nova songs, and even a jazz track. The rap tracks range from jump-up-dance party songs to late-night-driving head-bobbing tunes. And there is no better feeling than memorizing a track and rapping along with MCA, King Adrock, and Mike D.

Perfect For:

parties, late night driving, playing sports

Best Tracks

• Super Disco Breakin’
• Intergalactic
• The Grasshopper Unit

Led Zeppelin IV by Led Zeppelin, 1971

For rock in the 70′s very few compared to the awesome grace of Led Zeppelin, but you already knew that. And no other Zep’ album is as legendary as Led Zeppelin IV, or IV as it’s sometimes called. At only 8 tracks, it’s a pretty short album, but it seems like it lasts for days. The album includes one of the most lauded tracks of the century, Stairway to Heaven, a track that starts as a soft heavenly ballad and easily melds into a killer 70′s rock song. This album combines a large amount of ancient English folk music with modern rock with soft acoustic guitar, making for one relaxing hell of a record. One thing you sh0uld know about Led Zeppelin is the insertion of Lord of the Rings into several of their songs. The members of the band (and most hippies) loved the Tolkien book and were quite inspired by it, pouring its influence into their music. The soft, but at the same time heavy, tracks elicit a sense of the English countryside in centuries passed and of mystical journeys and adventures which keep you mezmorized through the last track. A great display of pure musical ability and talent.

Perfect For:

Late summer nights relaxing, breezy spring days

Best Tracks

• Battle of Evermore
• Four Sticks
• Black Dog

Good News For People Who Love Bad News by Modest Mouse, 2004

Modest Mouse is another band that has popularized indie music, and I’m glad. I’m not the biggest fan of indie music (yes, even though there were two on this list), but there is some I like, and what bothers me about indie fans is the fact that they think the only good bands are the most obscure and underground. It’s nice to have bands like Modest Mouse bringing it to the mainstream, with albums such as this one. If this record isn’t the definition of good, solid, quality music, then I don’t know what is. Now, you’ve heard me chattering about mixes and blends, but this is one album where that definitely doesn’t apply. The entire thing is like one giant flowing song, and it works so well. The strange, whimsical, and at several times creepy music makes for a deep frightening  experience that really makes you feel the music. The mix of banjo, guitars, and horns creates a unique sound that I have never heard replicated anywhere. The album tells a story of sadness but at the same time happiness and acceptance of something very vague and obscure. The dark but bright melodies and strange beats make this an album of which I have never tired repeating.

Perfect For:

Rainy nights, sad times, playing Nintendo

Best Tracks

• Satin in a Coffin
• The Ocean Breathes Salty
• Bukowski

Wolfmother by Wolfmother, 2005

Here we come to a very modern album by a incredibly great band with a very classic feel. Wolfmother’s fast heavy riffs are reminiscent of 70′s classic rock, namely Led Zeppelin. Seeing as Wolfmother is such a recent band, they have had only two albums, and I have just one word to describe their eponymous first album: solid. Listen through the entire thing once and you’ll know exactly what I mean. It seems like every song from this album could be a single (which most of them were). The high-pitched wailing pipes of Andrew Stockdale combined with the heavy guitar riffs and cymbal crashes create one hell of a good time. There is a perfect mix of classic influences and modern tones, resulting in a sound so solid, you can’t help but yell along side the lyrics. The tracks are almost heavy enough to make you want to headbang, but just not enough to where you can still jam and dance around at say, a party or event. And the lyrics create a sense of grandeur and legendary beasts, just as many classic rock groups did in the late 70′s. All of these songs could be used in a movie trailer or an advertisement as well due to the likeability, catchyness, and soothing feel of the tracks. Damn, that’s a solid album!

Perfect For:

Summer night parties, driving, football

Best Tracks

• Mind’s Eye
• Woman
• Vagabond

Well I hope you’ve enjoyed pretty much swimming through my iPod and CD’s and I’m hoping you’ll erase everything you have and only put these in your ears from now on.

Ah, football season.  On Thursday Night the baseball season will come to an unceremonious and abrupt halt in the eyes of the media.  Yes the media’s darling is back and it could not be here soon enough.  Looking through the match-ups this week it looks like the schedulers really know how to kick things off with a bang.  I’ll start with what I think will be the best game and work my way through.

Minnesota at New Orleans

If you thought last year’s NFC Championship was good just wait!  It’s just like that, except that there isn’t really anything on the line!  Drew Brees looks to become the biggest hero in Nawlins since Andrew Jackson by bringing another ring to Louisiana because, apparently, being able to complete 70% of your passes fixes over $100 billion worth of damage to a city 5 years after the damage occurs.  DON’T WORRY NEW ORLEANS EVERYTHING IS OKAY! REGGIE BUSH BROKE A 23 YARD RUN BEFORE STEPPING OUT OF BOUNDS TO AVOID GETTING HIT IN THE PUSSY SO YOU CAN GO BACK TO YOUR STAGNANT WATER FILLED HOMES!

The Ol’ Dongslinger is back for another year after waffling again and again.  I have heard from a lot of people that they want him to drop back and have every ligament in his ankle burst on the first snap.  Not me.  That’s letting him off too easy.  I want him to play every game in agony.  I want him to throw 60 interceptions.  I want his eyes gouged when he is at the bottom of the pile on an Adrian Peterson fumble for the 4th time of the game.  I want this cockbag to have the worst season in the history of football.  I want this season to be so bad that people may actually think Tavaris Jackson could do better.  Yeah that’s bad.

Over/Under: 100 mentions of Katrina.

Winner: Saints

Indianapolis at Houston

Wanna see a good ol’ fashioned shootout? The best QB I have ever seen against the best wideout in the game today.  Enemy of fantasy Gary Kubiak is sure to start draft board rocket Arian Foster until he misses a block and decides that broken legged Ben Tate will contribute more to the run game.  This teaches everyone to never bet on Arian’s again.  Also this:

Over/Under: 3.5 Mentions of How Renowned Choke Artist Peyton Manning Did Not Choke in the Super Bowl

Winner: Texans

Baltimore at New York Jets

Jesus Christ is Rex Ryan the best coach ever? Just watch these:

If you tell me you don’t want this guy as the coach of your team you are a goddamn liar.  He is everything that is perfect about head coaching personified.  So when Tony Dungy claimed after the first episode of Hard Knocks that he was no fan of Ryan’s salty language I was furious.  Here is what I have to say to you Tony Dungy.  FUCK YOU IN YOUR BIG EARED FACE.  JUST BECAUSE YOU STAND ON THE SIDELINE LIKE A GODDAMN STATUE DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU CAN TAKE ALL OF THE FUN OUT OF A GAME. YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU WON A SUPER BOWL RIDING ON THE BACK OF A FIVE HEADED, FOOTBALL THROWING MACHINE  YOU CAN RUIN EVERYTHING THAT IS PURE AND GOOD?  GRUDEN TOOK YOUR TEAM AND WON A SUPER BOWL AND WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH GRUDEN BLOOOOWWWSS.  Also your son committed suicide.  That is all.

Over/Under: 0 Inches Between Joe Flacco’s Eyebrows

Winner: The Fuckin’ Jets

Cincinnati at New England

The VH1 Flava Flav wannabes head to New England to take on the Beiber haircuts.  A lot of people are asking if there is enough ball to go around with T.O. and Ocho both calling for the ball, but then people remember Carson Palmer is quarterback and Chris Henry will catch approximately the same number of balls as Batman and Robin.  Speaking of the dead Fred Taylor is expected to get the bulk of the carries for New England.

Over/Under: $500,000 in fines for T.Ocho

Winner: Patriots

Time to start speeding through.

Carolina at New York Giants

Matt Moore looks to prove he is not just another name.  There are 37 Matt Moore’s in the Charlotte area.

Over/Under: 30,000 Gallons of Air Sucked In by Mouth-Breathing Eli Manning

Winner: Carolina

Green Bay at Philadelphia

Philly has a white quarterback. Philly fans become the nicest fans in the world.

Over/Under: 120 degrees The Angle Between Mike McCarthy’s Eyes

Winner: Packers

Dallas at Washington

With Washington’s horrendous offensive line expect less of this:

And more of this:

And this:

Over/Under: 3.5 Times You Think The Redskins Came In a Time Machine from 2005

Winner: Cowboys

Atlanta at Pittsburgh

Somewhere a gray penis lurks.

Over/Under: 6.5 Times Polamalu Has Blown A Guy Because He “Asked With His Eyes”

Winner: Falcons

Oakland at Tennessee

Oakland is a trendy sleeper pick this year.  It all ends when people are released from Al Davis’s spell and remember that they are the Raiders.

Over/Under: 1,000 Times Vince Young Drops Back Doesn’t See Anyone Open and Scrambles

Winner: Titans

Arizona at St. Louis

Over/Under: 5.5 Times You Say “Who?” When A Rams Receiver Makes a Catch

Winner: Arizona

Denver at Jacksonville

Over/Under: 3 Beard Hairs Above The Neck For Kyle Orton

Winner: Jacksonville

Detroit at Chicago

The best matchup of Dumb Faced QBs not involving the Manning Brothers.

Over/Under: 18.5 Times Mike Martz Does Something Totally Retarded

Winner: Chicago

San Fransisco at Seattle

Over/Under: 90% of the Seattle Roster Being USC Alumni

Winner: 49ers

San Diego at Kansas City

Prediction: Ryan Mathews goes down with a knee injury making Darren Sproles the first person ever to get 20 carries in an NFL game and star in “Little People Big World.”

Over/Under: 2 Times Shawne Merriman Waxes Poetically About When He Was Good

Winner: Chargers

Miami at Buffalo

Over/Under: 0 People Think Trent Edwards and JP Losman Are Different People

Winner: Miami

Cleveland at Tampa Bay

Like football? Not anymore you don’t.

Over/Under: $10,000 It Would Cost To Make You Watch This Game

Winner: Who Cares… Tampa… I guess

Fantasy Studs and Duds

Studs:

1. Jay Cutler, QB Bears- He is going to throw the ball 40+ times against a terrible secondary.  Martz will let him continue to throw no matter how big of a lead they get.
2. Beanie Wells, RB Cardinals- People score on the Rams.  Derek Anderson is a bad quarterback.  Wells should get a good number of touches.
3. Colts and Texans- Two great offenses against two bad secondaries.  This will be a barn burner.

Duds:

1. Reggie Bush, RB Saints- Don’t get sucked into the hype.  He may have run hard this preseason, but the Saints are going to throw and Pierre Thomas is still their guy on the ground.
2. CJ Spiller, RB Bills- Miami will load up the box and force Trent Edwards to beat them.  Spoiler Alert: Trent Edwards won’t be able to beat them.
3. Brett Favre, QB Minnesota- When your best receiver is Bernard Berrian you have to worry.  Add a ballhawking defense and Captain Wranglers could be in for some trouble.

Survivor/Eliminator/Team Sure to Win: Miami In a week of many equal matchups I’ll take a decent team over a horrendous one rather than waste San Diego early with their cupcake schedule. See also: Studs and Duds- CJ Spiller. 

Team Sure to Lose: Kansas City This team has the potential to be good if they let Jamaal Charles play.  Unfortunately the Chargers are just that much better.

Well it was a lot of fun getting back into the game.  I’ll be back next week for another football preview.  Feel free to email any fantasy/football questions/anything else to uppityfloor@gmail.com and I’ll be sure to answer.  Sit back and enjoy, football is back.

Goodnight, Moon

TinTin takes you on another journey through the world of human accomplishments. This week, we venture down the aisles of Sack-N-Save, behind the pink and white frosted cookies, next to the unrecognizable spanish candy, and on top of the store-brand “swiss-rolez” to discover the joys and benfits of unmarked, spoiled Oreos.

Yet again, I am back with one of the best creations that has ever been created and exploded all over your face. This week it’s stale Oreos.

Now, Oreos are great, but let’s face it, they’re really boring. Oreos are not original in any way, they’re crunchy just like any other cookie, and they’re not even in color. You wouldn’t be able to tell an Oreo from today from one in a 1950′s movie. I like my food to be exiting, and hard to look at because its so colorful. I want to feel a sensory overload just by looking at my snack cakes and corn chips. It’s why Doritos are so exciting and outrageous, because it keeps our dulled American attention spans on full alert, and that’s just awesome. But look at an Oreo, it’s round, chocolate, and a total square. But at the same time, they taste like what I imagine an angel would taste like. It’s a mix of chocolate, sunshine, and 10 blowjobs. Now, I have no idea what they’re made of; I assume its some sort of wood product or just whatever is leftover on the floor of the Nabisco factory, but whatever they do, they shouldn’t stop. And have you ever dipped one in milk?? It’s like getting a handshake from God while banging Kim Kardashian and winning all of the Nobel prizes at once!

But the best part of the Oreo is its shelf-life.Now, I don’t know if this was planned by the good people at Nabisco or if its just a side-effect of the Oreo blacksmithing that occurs, but you’d think that after a certain amount of time the Oreos would become a stale, iron-like wretch of a food that must be immediately disposed of, just like any other food in your pantry. And if anyone knows anything about expiration dates and bad food, it’s me. Anyone who knows me knows that my WORST fear in life is throwing up. So if a food is even on the day it goes bad, it’s gone.

But not with Oreos.

Somehow, the chemical composition of Oeros becomes better and better the longer it sits in the pantry, usually with that damn sticky peel-back thing only partially closed. When you first bite into a stale Oreo, the first thing you notice is its texture. Instead of the boring semi-crunchiness, the cookies have now become a soft cloud-cake that melts the second it hits your tongue (all Oreo Cakesters are is two stale Oreos). Then the wash of flavor tides over your palate like a tidal wave of cleavage and Caribbean island sunsets and for some reason the combination of the soft year-old cookie and incredible flavor make the closest reach at Heaven man has ever made. But don’t dip them in milk or you won’t ever be able to feel pleasure again. Or it’ll fall off in the milk and then you have a glass of undrinkable milk-diarrhea.

So once again, you have been bathed in a taste of one of mankind’s worthwhile accomplishments. Move over, penicillin.

Everyone has their own little pet peeve.  Some people may hate the sound of smacking gum.  Others may not be able to stand being around a mess.  Now I think I am a pretty normal guy, but things about this world really get under my skin sometimes.  This column will serve as my outlet to air out all the little idiosyncrasies that drive me up a fucking wall.  So welcome to This Week In Hatred, this week I will be discussing the Boston Red Sox.

Today on massively popular football blog Kissing Suzy Kolber (check my recommendations) a new column was introduced to kill time during the football offseason.  This column was entitled “This Week in F— You.” Coincidence?  I THINK NOT.  As reparations I declare that I should be able to blatantly ripoff KSK, which I was planning to do anyway, and just be impressed that I have similar ideas to the great Drew Magary.  Does anyone know what I’m talking about? No.  Do I care? No, this needed to be addressed.  Anyway on with the issue at hand.

The baseball season starts this Sunday and I could not be more excited (EEEE!).  To open the season it is the typical Red Sox-Yankees rivalry game.  For most of my baseball watching life I thought that I could never hate a team more than I hated the New York Yankees.  Yes, it was because they were good.  I hated that they bought their talent, made the most overrated play in sports history, and taught children that cheating is ok as long as it gets you ahead in life.  I hated that Scott Brosius turned into Babe Ruth when the calendar turned to October.  I hated that Mariano Rivera had the most badass closer entry music of all time.  I was jealous, angry, and bitter.  No team could ever, EVER be hated more than the Yankees.  Or so I thought.

Let’s turn the calendar back to 2004.  A man with three purple hearts and a ketchup heiress for a wife took on the incumbent for President of the United States.  Lord of the Rings: Return of the King finally ended after being released in 2003 and won a record tying 11 Oscar’s including Best Picture and Director.  Ronald Reagan passed.  Outkast won 3 Grammy’s including Album of the Year.  And this happened:

The day everything changed.

Don’t get me wrong, at the time I wanted the Sox to win.  Everyone loves a good underdog story and those lovable losers beating the Evil Empire after being down 3-0 was sport’s theater at its best.  The hatred started before the World Series was even over.  All across the United States it was declared that the Red Sox had lifted the Curse of the Bambino after they beat the Yankees.  I was confused.

Wasn’t the Curse about winning the World Series?  Luckily for the Red Sox faithful, and unfortunately for everyone else, Boston was able to sweep the Cardinals and win their first World Series since 1918.  Beantown rejoiced.  I could never had predicted what happened next.

I started seeing Red Sox stuff everywhere, in Texas.  Red Sox shirts, Red Sox hats, Red Sox socks it was absolutely ridiculous.  I realize the “Idiots” were a fun group to watch.  They had a caveman, an outfielder who takes lady pills, a pitcher whose mother was impregnated by a franchise, the DH that nobody wanted, and a catcher who thinks he is a hockey player.  General baseball fans migrated toward Boston and people who I had no idea had a sliver of interest in professional baseball donned Curt Schilling jerseys.

Here are actual conversations I had with a friend in 2004 and 2005.

April 2004

Me: Hey Tommy how have you enjoyed 7th grade so far?

Tommy: Oh it’s the best homie.  Have you heard the new Hoobastank jam?

Me: YEAH that is tha bomb!  Baseball season is coming up you ready to see Ugeth Urbina dominate again this year.

Tommy: Psh.

Me: No Rangers love?

Tommy: Nah. I like the Cubs and I don’t know kinda the Red Sox I guess.

April 2005

Me: Hey Tommy! More baseball coming up this year! Ryan Drese is gonna win the Cy Young!

Tawmmy: Nawh. I FACKIN’ LOVE THE RED SAWX!  WE DUMPED NOMAH AND ONE THE WAHLD SEEHRIES!

Me: Woah what happened to you.

Tawmmy: THE SAWX HAPPENED TAH ME.  WE FACKIN’ FINALLY DID ET! THA SAWX ARE TEH BEST TEAM EVAAA. THE BLOODY SAWK WILL LIVE IN MAH HAAHT FOREVAAAH!

Me: Ease up man.

Tawmmy: YOU DONT KNOW THA PAIN I WENT THROUGH FOR THE LAST EIGHTY SEVEN YEAAAHHHS!!! BUT THA FENWAY PAAHK BOYS FINALLY DID IT!!!!

Me: You’re 14.

Tawmmy: BUT I KNOW THA PAIN!!!

Me: Like Bill Buckner?

Tawmmy: WHO THA FACK IS BILLIE BUCKNAA?

Me: sigh

Over the last few years the explosion of the Red Sox has been absolutely ridiculous.  I blame ESPN.  Being from the Bristol, Connecticut the World Wide Leader watches all the Sox games and reports accordingly.  David Ortiz starts using eye drops and it leads Sportscenter.  The Rangers need Ron Washington to ride the white pony to even be considered for a lead story.

The absolute worst part about Red Sox fans is that they do not acknowledge that they are the same as Yankees.  The Sox fans still think they are the Yankees foil, but that’s not the case.  Sox fans are completely oblivious to the fact that they are now as polarizing as the Yankees, Cowboys, Duke and the Lakers.  You either love them or hate them.  For whatever reason the Boston fans think they are still the Cinderella story of 2004 instead of the annoying group of stereotypical fans (the Patriots success has really bread hate for New Englanders).

The largest complaint about the Yankees is that they buy talent.  Let’s take a look at the Red Sox roster shall we?  Was Daisuke Matsuzaka not bought?  How about J.D. Drew?  Were new big additions John Lackey and Adrian Beltre not bought?  The list goes on and on.  I’m not ripping free agency it’s just that I get sick of Red Sox fans pulling the buying talent card over and over again when their team does exactly that.  If any team is a foil to the reigning world champs it’s the Tampa Bay Rays who found a way to win with home grown talent in the toughest division in baseball, not the Sox.

Yes, the Red Sox being a good team is good for baseball and casual fans will watch a Yankees-Red Sox regular season game than any another two teams, but for the avid baseball fan it is a bit frustrating.  Would I rather see Tim Wakefield pitch against Andy Pettite or watch Lincecum take on Pujols?  I love baseball and will watch whatever bits I can, so I am being greedy to want to see a variety of teams play rather than two?

If I could switch places with the Red Sox would I?  In a heartbeat.  I love when my team is successful and hurt when they lose.  Sometimes it’s just hard to see someone who is not as into the sport as you experience what you have wished for your entire life.

But seriously, fuck those Massholes.

Somedays exciting things happen.  Other days, not so much.  Here FullerTron will make remarks about the unremarkable and daily thoughts.

There is no way this guy is gay.

• Ricky Martin is gay. I’m shocked.  SHOCKED.  Ok I’m not that shocked, but it leaves so many questions that need to be answered.  Is the “she” he sings about in She Bangs actually an Indian man named Shih?  Was he born gay or was he pushed away by a woman who was Livin’ La Vida Loca?  Does it make me gay if I have the exact same swimsuit? In all seriousness though I’m amazed anyone can stay in the closet in this day and age where the media is so readily available to anyone and everyone.  Websites like TMZ would be all over paying top dollar for scoop on even a mid-level celebrity’s same sex scandal.  This got me thinking which celebrities I would most want to come out of the closet.  The list looks something like this:

1. Tom Cruise- A great actor and certifiably crazy man.  Would confirm suspicions worldwide and release Katie Holmes from his magic spell. Also it would totally prove Quentin Tarantino right. 
2. Hillary Clinton- People immediately understand why Bill had wandering eyes.  It also explains the pantsuits.
3. Eminem- Well he is slim and shady.  Oh the irony.
4. Chuck Norris- Hopefully that will stop those damn jokes.

• Habitat for Humanity at the University of North Texas (Go Mean Green!) had its annual Shack-A-Thon today.  The Shack-A-Thon consists of various students building shelters out of cardboard boxes and staying in them for 24 hours(?) for fun and to promote recycling.  If I were homeless I’d go apeshit.

• The Dallas Mavericks beat the Denver Thug Nuggs 109-93.  The Mavs were led by Dirk Nowitzki’s 34 point, 10 rebound, 10 assist game.  The most notable observation I made in this game was Chris “The Birdman” Anderson’s transformation of his image from former cokehead to child molester.

• And for our last unremarkable item I give you a remarkable item.  Kim Kardashian’s sweet bewbs (covered up) which she released this weekend supposedly to show ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush that she is over him.

Most of you probably know Daniel from the success of his Comedy Central show Tosh.0.  If you have watched this show to any capacity you realize how great Daniel is at mocking everything and everybody in his path.  You know why Comedy Central chose him for that job?  Because that’s how his stand-up is.  No one is spared when Daniel is at the mic.

One of the most entertaining parts of Daniel’s act is that there are no segues, just fast paced, well scripted comedy.  He hardly gives you enough time to laugh as he hits one punch line right after another.

CLIP TIME!

Want More?

CDs: True Stories I Made Up (2005) iTunes here.

DVDs: Daniel Tosh: Completely Serious (2007) Amazon here.

Website/Tour Info: www.danieltosh.com

A Regal Clash

A Clash with Regal Beasts

The air smelled of sweet butterfly milk. It was a bright breezy day in June; the kind of day in June where the breeze bathes your skin in soft relief with an abundant feeling of calmness. The sun shone through the fissures between the branches and leaves of the surrounding trees and composed miraculous golden pools of dancing light about the forest floor. I had been meandering through the woods for most of the day looking for a place to rest, which was somewhat needed, as my feet were beginning to swell. I was to meet up with my friends on a sailing vessel about 20 miles from my current locale, and we were set to embark on another worldly adventure as soon as we all converged. Just having concluded an exploration miles down into the deepest pits of some of the darkest caves, these unfamiliar woods were a welcome sight. The glow of the sunlight accentuated the serenity of my surroundings, and I yearned to sit under a tree and allow the wind to blow with placidity through my hair.

I sprawled upon the forest floor with my back gently resting against an ancient and mighty oak. Its gentle ferocity gave me a sense of comfort, as though it would protect me through any jeopardy I might encounter, and at the same time the grandeur of the timber elicited a sense of power and strength. I placed my bamboo staff and my assortment of belongings neatly up against the trunk of the looming tree and covered my face with the rice hat which had covered my head for so long. My green tunic and my brown hair and hat caused me to almost blend in with the surrounding foliage, and if one did not know I was present, they would never be aware.

After the sun had crept along its perpetual trail for what seemed like only a few feet from my perspective, I was aroused from my dormancy with such abruptness that my hat was tossed from my face. A ferocious din arose from the adjacent shrubbery, extinguishing the last iota of serenity. The thrashing only increased and I feared the worst. I prepared myself for an encounter, as I had done so many times before. The clamor grew until finally, from out of the bushes, erupted a half ton of dark, brown fur surrounding a gauntlet of barbed, jagged, blood-stained teeth. Ursus Arctos, the great forest brown bear, had selected me as its target for annihilation, for reasons I have yet to comprehend. He began to swing at me with such ferocity, but lack of accuracy, that the wind from his attempts felt that they could once again remove my hat.

I knew running would accomplish nothing but my own demise, so I had to stand my ground and lock with this beast in combat. At first I tried striking with my trusty and sturdy bamboo staff, unleashing a brutality I had only seen once before in myself. After my staff proved fruitless, I decided to outwit the creature. I had an advantage being smaller, and therefore able to dance around him with the agility of a bolt of lightning. I attempted to first get behind him and try cutting him with any number of rocks that were strewn about. But I had misjudged the beast and his prowess. He was able to turn himself faster than I was. At the last second I tucked and rolled away from his cuff and evaded with only scratch across my back.

My tunic was badly ruined, but was not of my primary concern. As my roll came to a halt a pain struck my back like lightning down my spine. I had rolled over a family of scorpions, which had emerged from their curious burrow to witness the commotion. With much agitation, a golden brown scorpion had pierced my skin with its tailed tagger. The waves of pain radiated from my spine and I dashed behind a tree for a momentary break. Agonized in pain, I suddenly realized that this awesome force could be redirected towards my enemy! With quick skill I grabbed two nearby oak leaves which covered my palms. I dashed over to the spot of my downfall and scooped up a handful of scorpions. The great beast was barreling towards me, and I waited. I just waited. He came closer and closer, and at the penultimate moment I pitched the family of deadly anthropods directly towards the bear’s face. They latched on and, with unmerciful strikes, they drained their deadly toxin into the beast’s eyes, nose, and face. He was brought down in such a short time, I was astonished at how that a creature of such stature and size could become completely lifeless in half a minute.

After the scorpions disbanded and retreated back to their dugout, I fell to the ground to regroup and regather my strength. I crawled back to the magnificent oak tree to rest. As soon as I had put my head down on the ground, I realized it was not over. For in the same tree that shielded me and acted as resting place, was an enormous, full-breasted lion, waiting for me, ready to tear me apart. He leapt from the branches with motions not unlike a falcon, talons opened wide, ready for slaughter. The pounce of the lion upon the ground shook tremors through my shins as I jumped away at the last second, his claws barely missing my chest. As I eluded the lion my footing was lost and I fell backward to the other side of the tree. Stuck in the ground, halfway out, was a gold-plated sword, shimmering in the golden sunlight. Inscribed along the hilt, in precious stones and gems, was the phrase “Deus ex Machina” gleaming in the sun. I unsheathed the blade from the earth and landed a mighty blow on the lion’s side! He let out a tremendous roar which rang throughout the heavens. In retaliation, the lion swung his paws down over my head but, with a quick wit, I halted the offense in its path. However, the ferocity of his strike caused the sword to fly far from my hand and to the ground. I dashed to retrieve the sword, but was not quick enough! The great being took up the blade and began to approach with skill I had never seen. The swordsmanship of a man is one thing, but it is no match when pitted against the ability of a lion. I began to panic because I had no means of protection. I stumbled behind the tree and ascended the branches, But my climb was cut short.

Waiting for me, entangled in the branches, was a sizeable python wrapped in the limbs. He lunged at me, just as the other beasts had. I grabbed him around the neck and the tail, and thinking quickly, leapt to the ground behind the lion. We both were fast, but I was more agile, and wrapped the serpent around the neck of the lion. I tightened and pulled, making the grip on the lion closer, and his grip on death closer as well. He dropped the sword and fell to the ground. With his last breath, he let out another mighty roar, and fell limp to the ground.

I began to revel in my victory when it struck me that the snake was still alive and well, and ready to get revenge. He lunged for me, once more, and I ran behind the lion. As the serpent flew through the air I grabbed the paws of the great beast and wrapped them around the snake’s neck, granting him the same fate as he did the lion. The python fell to the ground and so did I. Dragging my legs, I dredged over to the mighty oak tree and gathered my things. I donned my hat, put on my bundle of possessions, and looked towards the sun. It was shining brightly and made me feel strong and alive. Then, deciding to go meet with everyone, a few miles away on the shore, I began walking. I walked towards the edge of the woods, my torn and bloody tunic flowing in the breeze, with the smell of sweet butterfly milk in the air.

Fullertron’s look at the present and future condition of each of the Dallas area’s 4 major sports teams along with the North Texas Men’s Basketball and Football teams.  Today he takes a look at the Dallas Mavericks.Robert “Tractor” Traylor for Dirk Nowitzki a trade that altered the course of a franchise.  The Mavericks have gone from a league laughing stock to a team that annually wins 50 games and contends in the playoffs that began with the trade for a little known German kid who Donnie Nelson watched on a grainy television set.  Combine that with a nerdy guy who got a bit lucky in the .com boom buying the team and this team was destined for greatness.  Even though they may not have looked like it.

These guys saved a franchise. Really.

There have been ups and those have been nice.  But there have also been downs (as in low points not downs syndrome, except if you are talking about Erick Dampier).   Oh have there been downs.  The 2006 Dwayne Wade free throw contest, the travesty that was the Warriors series in 2007,  a missed foul call that changed the series against the Thug Nuggs and much much more.  This has been the Golden Era of Mavericks basketball, I don’t think anyone will dispute that, but it is time to stop dry humping.  This team has been such a tease and I want so much more for Dirk’s sake (more on that later).

The Mavs have been my rock over the last decade.  While the Cows and Rangers had their ups and downs the Mavs saved their’s until I was most involved with them.  Is this the year for the Mavs?  Only time will tell.  I waited to write this post after their winning streak so I wouldn’t be too high on them, but then got all down in the dumps after they lost so I had to wait until I could be reasonable about them.  On to the meat and potatoes.

FullerTron’s Starting Line-Up

PG- Jason Kidd

SG- Caron Butler

SF- Shawn Marion

PF- Dirk Nowitzki

C- Brendan Haywood

6th Man- Jason Terry

No real surprises here.  I am the proud owner of a Josh Howard jersey and shirt, but I was more than ecstatic about the trade with the Wizards.  First, Josh is out for the year which makes it nice to know we literally got something for nothing (I really like Josh as a player and I don’t want him to be hurt).  Secondly, Caron Butler is a pretty good player.  He has been an All-Star in the past and can be a legitimate #2 for Dirk, something he hasn’t had since Steve Nash.  The best part of this trade is Brendan Haywood who will be referred to as the Best All-Around Mavericks Center Of All Time or simply the BAMCOAT.  I have been so impressed by Haywood so far.  He plays great defense, runs the floor decently well, and he can catch the ball, WHAT A CONCEPT!

Key Player: Dirk Nowitzki

The three best players in the league are #23,#24, and #41.  You can argue for CP3, Carmelo, and D-Wade, but I will argue that no one not named Kobe or LeBron can take over the game quite like the Big German.  The dude is unreal.  7 feet tall, makes shots from anywhere on the court, and gets to, and hits from the line with great ease.  It is widely thought that Dirk is a choke artist.  What player are you watching?  Yes, he was not great in the series against the Heat, but does no one remember this?

Dirk has also put up 50 in a game against the Suns in the playoffs.  He averaged nearly 20 points and 11.3 rebounds per game against Golden State a series where his play was seriously criticized.  Only LeBron and Kobe have made more game tying or winning shots in the last 3 seconds than Dirk.

I think the problem the media has with Dirk is that they have never seen a player like him.  Everything about him is awkward.  He is from a foreign country.  He shies away from the spotlight despite his teammates describing him as one of the funniest guys on the team.  He can play saxophone, guitar, and other instruments.  His father told him that basketball was a girl’s sport and he should play handball like a man.  Everything about him is interesting, at least to me.

I’ll put it this way, if I become an NBA coach within the next year or two I will trade any and all players I have for Dirk.  My game plan will be get the ball to him at the elbow so he can put up the most unblockable shot since Kareem’s sky hook.  It’s not pretty, but damn is it effective.  One leg, fading away and it almost never hits the rim.  I would let him take this shot 50 times a game and I could probably make the playoffs in the East.  The dude is unbelievable.

X Factor: Jason Terry

JET is widely considered the streakiest player in the entire NBA.  After breaking his face (that’s so odd to write) his shot has not been quite the same.  If this team plans on going to the Finals this year Terry will need to be on his game.  One of the biggest contributions Jason makes has nothing to do with his play on the court.  JET has the ability to get the Mav faithful rocking.  A game can turn with a wave of his arms or pretending to take off after hitting a big three.  The AAC is one of the loudest venues in the league and if JET gets the crowd and his game going the Mavs will be hard to stop.

Team to Watch: Denver Thuggets

These two teams will probably be the 2 and 3 seed in the Western Conference this year.  This means that, given both team are able to escape the first round, they will meet in a quarterfinals rematch.  Last year things got ugly in the stands and on the court.  The Nuggets were able to beat the Mavs on the scoreboard and with their bodies.  Another great aspect of the J-Ho trade is that the Mavs are a much tougher team.  Butler and Haywood are tough as nails giving the Mavericks a dimension they have lacked for years.  The addition of Shawn Marion gives a defender that can match up against Anthony.  Another intriguing match up for the Mavericks is Roddy Beaubois against Chauncy Billups.  Roddy B’s speed will be too much for a vet like Billups and if Rick Carlise uses Roddy effectively I could see him bursting onto the scene.  Kenyon Martin will be coming off of a broken leg, if he plays at all, and the Mavs should go right after him with Dirk.  I think if these two teams meet in the playoffs the Mavs will prevail.

Predictions:

I think the Mavs end up as the three seed in the West and make a pretty good run into the playoffs.  I see them losing to the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals in 6 games.

The future?

The kid is incredible.  After Jason Terry broke his face (makes me laugh every time) Roddy stepped in and contributed with a few big games.  Tonight he has a MONSTER game dropping 40 against the defensively lacking Warriors.  What makes Roddy a handful to guard is his quickness.  Speed kills and Roddy is the essence of speed,  therefore he kills.  With his skills and dribbling ability Beaubois is able to get wherever he wants on the court against just about any defender.  This is an amazing luxury to have as a point guard, Tony Parker has destroyed the Mavericks with this for years, and under the tutelage of Jason Kidd I expect Roddy to improve his passing game as the years progress.  Every team wants a player like Roddy B, who can get to the rim and hit the 3 ball with consistency, fortunately for the Mavs he will be a cornerstone for the franchise for years to come, of course that is what everyone said about Devin Harris.

Future of the Team: Bumpy Road Ahead

When the Mavericks pulled the trigger on the Harris for Kidd deal they said, in essence, the future is now.  Well so far it hasn’t worked out all that well for the Mavs.  They are the oldest team in all of basketball and have only a few signs of youth.  Roddy Beaubois will be a bright spot for this team for years to come, but who else will be there?  The Mavs starting five is OLD and I cannot stress that enough.  The starting 5 has an average age of 31.8 years.  There is not a lot of tread left on these tires so after a year or two this team will either need to add a superstar to make one last run at the title or start to sell their players to the highest bidder to try to get some youth in the door.  I guess that’s what they get for a decade of dominance.

This is how a Pokeball works.

This shall be a weekly post wherein I will recount my current adventures through the world of Pokemon and ask for advice from you, the loyal readers. Right now, I am playing Pokemon: Heartgold Version. It is an enhanced remake of the 2000 game Pokemon: Gold Version.  You travel as the main protagonist, Gold, through the region of Johto, which is littered with the original 150 Pokemon, plus an additional 100 new Pokemon. Heartgold Version is probably the sharpest and most finely-tuned version of Pokemon to date. The music is stellar and most even sounds like it was played upon real instruments, instead of the beeps and tones of past versions. The music from the National Park area in the game sounds extremely elegant, and you should look it up on the YouTube. The colors and limited 3d effects make for a very slick looking game, in which one becomes totally immersed. So if you’re bored, go get a copy. Or just go outside, or masturbate.

First, I’ll let everyone know of whom my team consists. I picked Totodile in the beginning who has evolved into Feraligatr, now at level 43. The rest of my team is Victreebel at lv. 34, Arcanine at lv. 31, Magneton at lv. 33, Togetic at lv. 29, and Hypno at lv. 34. A pretty diversified and well-rounded team, with one water, fire, grass, electric, psychic, and normal. See, nice and diversified, just as the workplace should be. It is a much better team than I had in Pokemon: Diamond Version, which consisted mostly of my favorites, ghost and psychic types. With this new team, I have one Pokemon to defeat any other Pokemon type.

As of now, I just beat the eighth and final gym leader and I have all eight badges in Johto. Next I will travel to the Kanto region, which is where the first games, Red and Blue Versions, took place. There I will battle the Elite Four, and then I can roam through Kanto and collect the eight badges there. But as of now, I am stuck doing some damn stupid thing until I can advance to Kanto. Ho-oh, the legendary, and central to the game, Pokemon has come back or something, and I have to catch it or defeat it before I can move on. And anyone who has played Pokemon before knows how damn frustrating it is to catch a big Pokemon. I have been trying for almost two days now, and no matter what I do, I cannot catch him, or it; I think it’s genderless. Anyway, I don’t want to use my masterball that I received from Prof. Oak, because it’s kind of a cheap way out. I like to keep it as sort of a trophy, or in case I ever come across a Mew.

So I need some advice! I want to go on, so lemme know what I should do! I’ll be back next week with another Poke-update!